When God Feels Far In Seminary

About a month ago my name was called. I walked across the stage at my graduation from Southern Seminary. I wasn’t happy, nor was I sad. I didn’t feel anything at all. Feeling numb describes much of my time in seminary. I started out dreamy-eyed and naïve, unprepared for the darkness I would soon start to face. Thrilled to be in seminary, I approached my studies not merely from an academic standpoint, but with a desire to know God more. 

About six months into my seminary career; however, the excitement started to fade. God became less real to me. The God who bled and died for me became the God whom I merely read and wrote about. I eventually began to question God entirely. I went through seasons in which I questioned my salvation, questioned the goodness of God, and even questioned the very existence of God.

With that perspective, I’d like to offer both an encouragement and a few warnings to those who are in seminary. First, you don’t have to face this alone, nor should you. I often walked the halls of Southern Seminary feeling like everyone was prospering, while I was crashing. In such an elite environment, it often felt unacceptable to speak out about my doubts. In a culture that prizes hard work, accomplishment, etc., it seemed unacceptable to struggle to the degree that I was struggling.  As Christians; however, we are not meant to face trials in isolation, but alongside one another.

Second, seminary is a battlefield, which makes spending time with God crucial. Somewhere in the excitement of seminary life, I forgot that we have an enemy who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. God became a routine, and in turn, Satan gained territory that I am now, 6 years later, fighting to get back. Third, your sin will follow you to seminary. During the end of my time in college, I went through a horrific situation that derived from chasing after idols. I mistakenly thought that coming to seminary would somehow heal me. Instead, my sinful tendencies stayed with me, and it took more devastation before I finally started dealing with them. I bucked up against God’s sanctifying work in my life, making my time in seminary much more traumatic than it should have been because I chased after seemingly life-giving idols that only caused devastation. Don’t feel like you must be perfect before you go to seminary, but do be honest while you are there about your sins.

Finally, towards the end of my time in seminary, I spent many nights weeping, wondering if God had forgotten about me. Psalm 77 brought me great comfort during this season, for the answer we get is a  resounding, “No. He hadn’t forgotten” After questioning God’s faithfulness in verses 7-9, verse 10 shows the psalmist start to remember the works of God. When you are facing darkness in seminary, what you need is not more knowledge, but the assurance that comes with remembering what God has done. I would exhort you, then, to remember the works of your God. Remember His faithfulness in your life, knowing that the faithfulness of God culminates in Jesus dying on the cross so that we might be reconciled with the God who never abandons His children. In remembering the person and work of Jesus, know that God has not forgotten you and that you are never, ever alone. 

Amanda Noonan

Amanda is originally from Atlanta, Georgia. She completed her BA in English at Young Harris College and then went on to seminary to pursue her Masters of Divinity. She enjoys reading, writing, cooking, photography, and hiking.

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